i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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