I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
