I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
