Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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