I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
My liver just had a heart attack.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
