there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
