I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
