My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
