At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
