Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
