You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
