Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
