I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
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