i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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