You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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