i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
