You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
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