We're facebook friends in real life
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
