I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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