I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
