I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
