and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
