so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I just had sex on a roof
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
