I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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