Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just google imaged poop.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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