Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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