The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I smell stomach acid.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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