she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
