Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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