I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
