sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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