I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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