I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
