the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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