You can't special order awesome
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
is wine microwaveable?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
