I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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