So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
