my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
