I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Apparently you make a good broom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
