Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
