i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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