I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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