idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
