no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
