I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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