I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
