The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
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