I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
