just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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