and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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