I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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