Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
