you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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