I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
