1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
