totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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