I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
