now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
